To Live Again
by IBitThePiranha
Summary: Oakdale is no longer the wonderful town Luke was happy to grow up in. Since Reid's untimely death he's been falling apart, bit by bit. How is he supposed to move on? How is he supposed to live again?
1. Chapter 1

_There was a car stuck on the train tracks; the driver was stubbornly trying to start the car's engine again, apparently unaware of the oncoming train. As Luke got closer he realised that he knew whose car it was, and therefore knew who was in the car._

_"Reid!" he yelled, running under the barrier to the driver's side. Sure enough there sat Reid, turning the key for the ignition again and again. Beads of perspiration were rolling down the sides of his face as his eyes kept glancing in the direction that the train was coming from._

_"Reid!" Luke called out again, knocking on the car door window. He tried to open it but it was locked. Who knew that the doctor's safety tactic could ironically become a hazard in the eyes of escape? Luke desperately banged on the window, trying with all his might to smash it with his elbow. The window stayed intact; not even a crack was visible in the glass._

_The train was close now. In about twenty seconds… No. There was no time to think like that. He needed to concentrate on saving the doctor._

_"REID!" Luke screamed. "REID! GET OUT OF THE CAR! REID!"_

_Scared blue eyes met brown. Reid let go of the keys. He gave Luke a sad smile and then turned away, eyes closed, awaiting his fate. Luke continued to try and smash the windows, screaming hysterically for Reid to open the door. He could see a small tear reaching out from underneath Reid's eyelashes, rolling down his cheek. He could see the shadow of the train getting closer. He could hear the piercing note of the horn, and the squeal of steel on steel as the driver frantically tried to stop the train. The gut wrenching sound of the passenger's side door being crushed soon followed before Luke had the chance to scream again._

"REID!"

Luke sat bolt upright in his bed. The bed sheets stuck to him like another layer of skin, and his teeth chattered furiously. He heard the rush of footsteps to his room, shortly followed by his mom and dad bursting into the room.

"Luke! Sweetie, are you okay?"

"We heard you yelling, son."

"Reid... Reid..." He was panting.

"It was a nightmare, sweetie," his mom hushed him. "We're here. It's okay."

"I'll go get you a glass of water," his dad offered. His mom nodded and told him to check on Natalie and Ethan as well.

"I'm so sorry!" Luke cried, trying to slow his breathing down.

"Luke, it's fine. You've been through a rough time. You lost Reid under terrible circumstances. It's only natural for you to be like this."

He merely nodded, trying to ignore the pain he consistently felt as his heart broke each and every time he was reminded of that fateful day. He looked to the ceiling, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall, before looking to his mother.

"I miss him, Mom," he whispered.

"I know, baby."


	2. Chapter 2

The first few days following Reid's death had been a blur; everything had been moving so fast that Luke had had only the smallest of moments to grieve for the snarky doctor. What with the power of attorney, the donating of organs, and making absolute certain that Chris Hughes made a full recovery after the heart transplant – not to mention comforting Bob, Kim and Katie and keeping positive for their sakes – it hadn't fully registered that he would never see Reid again. It had simply felt like a dream, a terrible dream that he would eventually wake up from. He would then tell Reid about this whole ordeal, to which he would probably be confronted with comments about how a genius such as himself wouldn't be so foolish as to get stuck on the train tracks.

Of course, as the dust settled and he saw the happy smiles the Hughes family now bore, Luke realised that it wasn't a dream. Reid was gone, and while everyone seemed to finally have their happy endings, it appeared to Luke that he could no longer feel any form of emotion. The only ounce of feeling he felt was annoyance at his grandmother.

"I learned something. I learned something when Reid died. And what I learned was that life is short. There's no time to waste with holding grudges or - or holding back, so you need to go to Mom and try to make this right."

"I won't be welcome," she stated stubbornly.

"Well who cares?" Luke exclaimed. "You have to at least try!"

"Well, I – I mean, I – it's over!"

"Grandmother! Stop," Luke interrupted. "Stop making excuses. Go!"

"I have to?"

"Just go to Mother, please."

"Alright, I'm going!"

"Please."

"I'm going."

"Thank you."

The mock salute would've usually been something that Luke would have laughed at, but he was so annoyed at his grandmother for thinking of giving up on his mom – her own daughter – so easily. Why, Reid had never given up on him, no matter how much he messed him around or pried or pushed him away. He was overcome with guilt for never being the perfect boyfriend until the very end, consequently failing to give Reid what he'd wanted.

_"I want the whole enchilada, you hear me?"_

If he'd just ignored the insecurities that had eaten him up when he had been with Noah... If he'd just opened his eyes sooner and...

No. There was no point in beating himself up over this. Neither Reid nor he knew the real significance of their relationship until they had admitted it aloud just mere hours before the fate that was to bring an abrupt end to them. Their feelings for one another had crept up on them. They were just getting started. It wasn't his fault, nor was it anyone else's.

He now found it very difficult to remind himself of this conclusion he had come to just a week ago, but to be perfectly honest he couldn't help but resent the future Chief of Staff. Every time he saw Chris, he felt like he was being forced to see what he had lost so that he could be alive, and the pain would hurt a little bit more. Of course, it wasn't like he could avoid Chris; not only was Oakdale a very small town where everyone knew everyone's business, but he also had to keep Bob and Chris up to date with the development of the new neurosurgical wing. He'd inform them via telephone and email as much as possible, but obviously there were plenty of times where he would have to speak to them face to face, and he would be left with a bitter taste on his mental tongue as his eyes roved over the left side of Chris' chest. Over his heart. Reid's heart.

_"Who knew I had one to give?"_

He had been doing so already, but when Noah left for Los Angeles Luke completely withdrew himself from everyone, emotionally and physically. The only contact he had with people was at work, which had become his one and only concern in life. It was ironic how he had always tried to help Reid become more human, and now losing him had caused Luke to become less human and more like Reid had been. His manners had gone out through the window. He was snarky to employees if they questioned him. And more importantly, he just didn't care. His mom and dad had given him talk after talk about how concerned they were for him, and even his grandmother had tried giving him a lecture on pulling himself together, but all their words fell on deaf – or ignorant – ears.

He'd been in a conference meeting at the hospital when it happened. In a desperate attempt to focus on what was being said, Luke was jotting points of discussion down on a pad of paper. He was going through a mental battle of conflict, trying not to think about the absence of the one doctor who should be there.

"Luke?"

The next thing he knew he was alone in the conference room, with three sheets of paper filled with tear stained writing. He looked up to see the concern on Chris Hughes' face, and he was suddenly aware of the sobs that were escaping his throat. He took a deep breath before he spoke, gathering up his things.

"I'm fine."

"No you're not."

Luke slammed his briefcase on the table and glared at Chris. He noticed the paediatrician flinch at the look, and instead just brushed past him, out of the room and out of the hospital.


	3. Chapter 3

**Before you read this chapter, I just want to thank you guys for the wonderful reviews I've received for this fanfic. We all just want Luke to be happy. He's flawed, but beautifully so, hence why no one (except maybe Mason, but he doesn't count) can stay mad at him for long. I was horrified at the rushed ending of As The World Turns (seriously, how did Reid's car stall on the tracks?), but it's an ending I feel I have to carry on with, no matter how much I loved Dr Reid Oliver. I know this isn't exactly a rosy, cheery story right now - nor should it be - so thank you for your patience in Luke's grief, and in my story telling. I really appreciate it.**

**Any way, on with the story:**

"Luke?"

He ignored her, continuing his way to his room. Lily sighed. She had never found it so hard, in all her life, to get her son to open up to her. Now, he was like a completely different person. Choosing to communicate simply with looks and glares, he was acting a lot like someone, though a lot quieter and lacking the arrogant air and sharp tongue that should follow.

"I saw Luke on my way here," Holden announced as he came in. "He looked in a bit of a state. I'm guessing he was on his way here?"

"He was. He's in his room now." There was a long pause between them. The next thing Holden knew, Lily had thrown her arms around him. He could feel the front of his shirt getting wet and her shoulders quiver as he held her. He rubbed her back in circles as he hushed her soothingly. She pulled away from him slightly as she looked at him with teary eyes.

"I just feel so helpless!" she sobbed. "I wish there was some way I could just make the pain go away, bring Dr Oliver back or something. I know I couldn't stand him when I met him, but I never got to see the Reid that Luke loved. And now Reid's gone, it's like Luke's _become_ Reid, and he's pushing us away and I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do!"

Holden simply pulled her close into a hug again, recommencing the rubbing circles into her back, hushing and holding her.

"I don't know what to do!" Lily repeated. "I just want my baby back."

"It's okay, Mom."

Holden's chin lifted from her shoulder and Lily spun round to see her son peeping round from the stairs. He stepped into full view, a stack of papers rustling in his shaky hands. They were suddenly crushed against his chest as his mom hurried across the room towards him and hugged him with all her might. He leaned into her touch, and he heard the tension leave her body in a low sigh as Lily felt his acceptance of her support. In a way they were similar in how they both needed to be needed, as Luke started to realise now.

"I uhm... I've started writing again," Luke murmured, indicating to the sheets of paper when Lily finally let go. "It feels so long since I last did so; it's so strange to be doing so again." He looked up at them. "I thought it might help..."

"Has it?" his father asked.

"Yeah," Luke replied. "Yeah I think it has. I've kind of missed it."

It felt like several hours though it had been merely less than a half hour. He fidgeted with his hands as he awaited his parents' comments. It was as if he could hear the whirs of their brains as they read his most private and personal words; torture.

Lily allowed Holden to hold the last page as the final word was registered in her mind. Looking to her son, she could detect every emotion that had been written down on the pages, swimming in the depths of his eyes. She reached across the coffee table to the chair he was sat in, laying her hand over his own squirming in his lap, and smiled sadly. She felt the weight next to her on the couch shift slightly as Holden reached for the pile of paper before getting up and handing it back to Luke.

Kneeling so that his face was level with Luke's, he simply said, "Keep writing."

Luke smiled.


	4. Chapter 4

Faith hurried into the kitchen, grinning excitedly. "Luke, I have something to tell you."

"Not now, Faith. I need to get this proposal finished for the neurology wing in time for the meeting this afternoon."

"But Luke, it's really important."

"Not now, please."

"But-"

"I said not now! Okay?" He continued to type for a moment until the realisation caught up with whirring brain. "I'm sorry," he said calmly, looking back at her. "I shouldn't snap at you."

"It's okay, Luke," she replied, giving her brother a small smile. He smiled back before turning back to his laptop.

"It's just I want it to be perfect," he explained, typing at speed again. "It was everything to him, this facility. It was his baby..." He stopped and turned back to his sister. "Weren't you going to tell me something?" he asked. "Before I jumped down your throat that is."

Faith couldn't help but chuckle as she pulled up a chair beside him. "Okay," she began, resting a hand flat on the table. "Don't be mad, but the other day when I asked if I could borrow your laptop because mine had broken and I had an assignment to do..."

"Yes..." Luke nodded, not sure where this was going.

"Well...it wasn't. I did it so I could print off pieces of your writing and submit them to-"

"Wait, what?" Luke interrupted in disbelief. "You went through my stories and stuff? Faith, why would you do that?"

"Well if you let me explain before yelling at me, I might tell you." Luke blinked a couple of times before nodding for her to continue. "I submitted them to Antioch University, in Los Angeles. They've accepted you on the course!"

"Course? What course?" Luke frowned, confused.

"Creative writing and journalism, of course!" she laughed. "And think about it: you'll be studying at one of the top writing colleges, in LA – a city full of potential and opportunities!" She hesitated before saying the next bit. "Not to mention, Noah is there..."

"No. No, no, no. Faith, come on!" He slammed his laptop shut with a sigh, getting up to take a walk outside, Faith hot on his heels.

"Come on, you can't tell me that you don't love him," she seemed to whine in his ear.

"Yeah," Luke groaned, turning to look her in the eyes. "I do love him. A part of me will always love Noah..."

"Then what's the problem? Get a plane and go see him! Talk to him. Tell him how you feel."

"Faith, there is just one thing you seem to be forgetting." He was finding it hard to keep the irritation out of his voice. "While yes, I love Noah, I was in love with Reid." He tried to swallow the lump that was rising in his throat. "I know we weren't together long, I know! But I fell in love with him, and I still have to wake up every day, knowing that I'm never going to see his face again, hear any of his snarky comments, feel...him hold...me..."

Faith threw her arms around him and felt as the sobs racked his body. It broke her heart to see her brother in this much of a state; after all he had always been the one looking after her and their younger siblings, regardless of what he'd be going through at the time. She'd never realised how much emotion he bottled up for the sake of the rest of the family.

"Okay," she spoke, handing Luke his Java order, sitting next to him on the banks. "Spill."

Luke looked down to his hands cupped around the polystyrene cup, trying to gather his thoughts together in some sort of coherent form. It felt so strange confiding in his little sister as opposed to the other way around, and he found himself stopping and starting again as he tried to explain to her how he was feeling. She had been adamant that he open up to him, feeling she owed it to him to be there for him now that he needed someone.

"Reid erm... Reid made me open my eyes to how it felt to be in a loving relationship..."

"But you were in a loving relationship with Noah. I thought you two were in love."

"We were, we were... But with Noah it was always very push and shove. I mean, think of how many times we broke up and got back together during our relationship." Faith nodded. "I always knew where I stood with Reid; it was nice. I felt safe." He blinked back the tears threatening to fall. "Reid... Every time I think back to the memories – I mean, you're supposed to think of all the good times, aren't you – I can't help but notice that our relationship was riddled with little hints, case after case of foreshadowing the fate that lay in store for us..."

* * *

_"Did you sleep with him?"_

_"No!"_

_"Luke, tell me the truth. You owe me that much. When you were in Texas together for his law suit?"_

_"No! Not then! Not after!"_

_"Not yet?"_

_"Not ever!"_

* * *

_"Well that should definitely be on your tombstone: 'Not the easiest guy to deal with'."_

* * *

_"You're right. Life is short. It's very short sometimes."_

* * *

_"It seems the greater you care about something, the greater chance you have of getting hurt, even losing the very thing that you care about."_

_"That's...true."_

_"How do you live with that?"_

_"Well, you're just grateful that you have that in your life, for as long as you have it. Even if it is just a short while..."_

* * *

"Luke?"

He jolted out of the memory bank suddenly, back to the real world with Faith next to him.

"Um...can I have a moment...?"

"Sure. Sure. I'll be back at the house," Faith said, quickly getting to her feet and heading back to the farm.

"Oh, Faith?" She twisted round to look back at him questioningly. "Thank you." She smiled in acknowledgement before continuing on her way. Luke smiled at her receding back before facing the lake again.


	5. Chapter 5

**So I just thought I'd apologize to you all that I haven't updated this story in aaaaages - I've been so busy it is unbelievable! So I'm hoping I can make it up to you by giving you three more chapters tonight to keep you going. After that I am going to try and update this every Sunday, but don't hold me to that!**

**So without further ado, here's the first of the next three chapters in Luke's turmoil. And I must warn you, it's gonna get worse before it gets better...**

The sound of wheezing could be heard coming from inside the house. Quietly turning his key in the lock and opening the door as slowly as possible, the first thing Holden noticed was the phone on the floor. Attached to the phone was a clenched hand, and attached to that was a trembling young man, collapsed on the floor, tears rolling down his pale cheeks.

"No...no...no...no...no..."

He prised the phone from the sweaty hand, hearing the faint voice on the end of the line: "Mr Snyder? Hello? Mr Snyder, are you still there?"

"Hello, I'm Holden Snyder – Luke Snyder's father. Would it be possible that my son calls you back?" He hung up and quickly turned his attention to the blond, holding both his shoulders to stop him from falling backwards. "Luke. Luke. It's okay."

"No no no... Reid, he...he..."

"Luke, calm down." He held Luke close as the blond sobbed against his shoulder. He'd never seen his son in this much of a state – he never thought it possible. Luke had always been strong: thinking of others before himself, looking after his sisters and brother, throwing all his efforts into his Foundation, forgiving Damien countless times in the hopes that his biological father might one day change, Noah's accident that caused his blindness...

And now Reid's untimely death. Maybe this shouldn't have been such a shock to him after all. Maybe it was time that Luke learned to lean on others.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

The warmth from the mug of coffee cupped between his hands did nothing to warm his mood. He felt numb.

"They wanted to change our plans for the neurology wing," Luke whispered. "They can't do that. It has got to be the best facility in the country. It needs to be exactly how Reid wanted it."

"Okay," Holden nodded. "What did they want to change?"

"I...I don't know! The architect just said there was a minor problem in the plans and I..." he sighed in exasperation. "I'm just being overdramatic. Reid always said I had the tendency of..." He trailed off, a small smile appearing on his lips then fading just as fast. "I need to call him back," he sighed, starting to get up to make his way over to the phone.

"There's plenty of time for you to do that, son," Holden stated, a hand preventing Luke from standing. "Just...take a moment, okay?" He patted his son on the back in response to the reluctant head nod he received and went into the kitchen in search of Emma's chocolate brownies. He shouldn't have been surprised to come back find Luke had left.

"I'm sorry about earlier – things have been pretty hectic... Yes, yes, I'm aware of that... No, I'm afraid I can't allow that to happen... I don't care how much extra it's going to cost... Well my Foundation can give more funding... I don't think you understand, Mr...what did you say your name was again?... Todd. Well as far as I'm concerned, Mr Todd, it's non-negotiable... That's right..." Luke looked up as the door opened and he was met with his father's concerned yet stern look. "Well you can argue with me concerning the issue all you want at the meeting tomorrow morning... Yes... Bye." He hung up. "All sorted, Dad."

Holden frowned. "What's happened to you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I have never heard you be so rude to anyone."

"Manners are overrated," Luke deadpanned, standing up to make himself a coffee. "Want a brew?"

"What I want is to know why you have all of a sudden become so...like...Reid."

Luke snorted. "Would you rather me be poor, snivelling little Luke hitting the bottle at the smallest downfall in his sorry excuse for a life?"

"Actually yes, I would," Holden threw back at him. "What has gotten into you, Luke? One minute you're grieving like any human being would be, and then the next you're pushing everybody away. Why can't you just let us take care of you – support you?"

There was a long pause before Luke spoke.

"I have a lot of work to do, Dad, so if you don't mind..." He sat back at his desk, gathering paperwork together, dialling numbers and writing emails – anything to prevent him from seeing the look of defeat in his father's eyes as he took one last look at Luke before closing the door behind him. Luke took a deep breath, regret and guilt hitting him like a punch in the stomach, before continuing to focus his blurry eyes on the paperwork before him.


	6. Chapter 6

"No."

"But that's where you belong!"

"I told you – no."

"Face it, Luke. You miss him! You need to go to LA! Sort things out!"

"Faith-"

"What's going on in here?" Lily demanded, the back door closing behind her as she walked into the house. "I could hear you two from outside!"

"Mom, tell Luke that he should go to LA and be with Noah!" Faith whined. Luke shot a glare her way which she ignored. "They belong together."

"I'm sure Luke will in time, Faith. Just don't pressure him," Lily said softly.

"Mom!"

"But Mom, you don't understand! He's got a place in this university in LA, doing his writing – exactly what he wants – and he's due to start next month! And he's wanting to turn that down because he doesn't know if he wants to be with Noah?"

"Guys, I'm still here you know!"

"You and I both know that Luke will go see Noah in LA eventually."

"Luke, why do you want to turn down such a fantastic opportunity?"

"I didn't even ask for it! Faith just went snooping-"

"I wasn't snooping!"

"-on my laptop and sent some of my stories to them without my permission!"

"And they gave you a place doing what you've always wanted to do!" Faith exclaimed. "You could at least show some gratitude!"

"Luke," Lily spoke soothingly, approaching her son. "Baby... Maybe this would actually be good for you."

"You're only saying that because you want me and Noah to get back together," Luke retorted. He could feel the shakes setting in as he felt the control slipping out of his fingers.

"I'm not denying that I consider Noah to be family," Lily said cautiously.

"We're not right for one another!" Luke cried.

"Yes you are!" Faith said. "You're only miserable because you miss him. Admit it!"

"I need to get out of here," Luke gasped as he stormed over to the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Out."

He slammed the door behind him and closed his eyes as he took a few deep breaths. He couldn't. He just couldn't.


	7. Chapter 7

"Hey! Noah! How's it going?"

Luke couldn't help but lift his eyes from his slightly mashed up pancakes at the mention of his ex's name, a reaction that didn't go unnoticed by his sister. She grinned into the receiver before turning her back on him and continuing her conversation with Noah. Luke could feel the odd churning in his stomach – which he had become familiar with whenever Noah was brought up in conversation – intensifying, and he tried to drown out Faith's half of the phone call by resuming the mess he was making of his pancakes, mashing them up with his fork.

"It's feels like years since we last heard from you! ... Yeah, yeah I'm good! What's it like in LA? ... Sunny? ... All the time? Wow!"

The fork was moving faster now. Memories, good and bad, were rushing through his head and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block them out.

"We all miss you, Noah. Even-"

He was slamming the front door shut behind him before he knew it. He ran, actually ran, all the way to the pond. He stood before it, panting heavily as he tried to catch his breath. The memories were still there, prodding him as he tried to shake them off.

"Damn you!" he screamed at the water. "Damn you, you bastard! Why did you have to leave me?"

He threw stone after stone into the pond, imagining the doctor taking each hit. But the doctor grew taller, his hair going dark, and Luke was instead confronted by an image of his first love.

"NO!" Luke yelled, throwing himself at Noah. The image disappeared and Luke landed in the water with a splash. Before he could even comprehend resurfacing he felt strong arms around his torso, pulling him out of the water. He fought against them, trying to rip himself from Noah's grip, begging him to let go.

"Luke! Luke, it's me."

His eyes met the concerned blue eyes of the older man, and instead of fighting he found himself clutching the sodden jacket that Holden wore. His dad held him close to his chest, hushing him as a loud moan of anguish left Luke's lips. Luke's body heaved and rocked with each sob, and his fist pounded at his father's chest. Holden couldn't believe it. How could his son have so much emotion bottled up? Luke had never been one to not express how he was feeling – he always had to open up, and Holden had always been there to listen. Now it was like his son had clammed up as fast as he had opened up that day when he had allowed him and Lily read his writing.

"You haven't been writing recently, have you." It was more a statement than a question, to which Luke shook his head.

"I've been so busy with the...Foundation and...Grimaldi...Shipping...and..." He suddenly sat up straight. "What time is it?" he asked with a sudden urgency.

"Why?"

"I have a meeting at the hospital at 12. I can't be late!" He stood but was quickly held back by his dad. "Dad, I need to go! I need to go check some paperwork for Grimaldi Shipping before I go to this meeting, then I need to go to the Foundation..."

"Can't any of it wait?" he asked calmly. "Or, perhaps, be taken off your hands at least?"

"What do you mean?" Luke frowned.

"I mean Grimaldi Shipping," Holden said, waiting for Luke's mind to catch up before saying, "Wouldn't it be better for you if you just...sold it?"

Luke's eyes widened at this before narrowing angrily. "Better for _me_?" he shouted. "You mean better for _you_! I can't believe you! Damien's in prison and you _still _feel threatened by him! I told you: _you _are my dad, not him. _You're _my real father, regardless of blood. Why don't you trust me?" And with that he stormed off, leaving Holden to sigh in exasperation. The older man shivered, though he was sure it wasn't from the chill of his wet clothes. He thought he was thinking about Luke when he voiced that suggestion, but maybe Luke was partially right.

After a warm shower he realised that Luke was maybe overreacting due to stress and lack of sleep, and decided to sit down with his son later that day when he'd had chance to calm down.


	8. Chapter 8

**As promised! Here's chapter eight!**

Lucinda's otherwise cold heart broke at the familiar sound of sobbing. She knocked lightly on the door before entering and was met with a sight which maybe made her heart break a little more. She rushed to the table and snatched the vodka bottle from her grandson's tilting hand, spilling some of its contents in and around the targeted glass. She emptied the rest of the drink down the sink of a nearby bathroom before considering her grandson.

"How much did you have?" she asked. He didn't answer her, his arm still levitated, eyes glazed over, unseeing. She grabbed a chair and sat beside him, forcing his arm down and taking his face in her hands and turning it to face her. "How much, Luke?" The stern, demanding tone in her voice seemed to snap him out of his trance and, his eyes suddenly shining with tears of shame, he looked towards the trash can beside his desk. Another two bottles lay there. Empty.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" Lucinda snapped in disbelief, getting up to get a glass of water from the sink. "Tell me, Luke, because I – I don't understand!" He said nothing, just swayed slightly as the tears now ran down his face. "Is that what you want, Luke? Do you want your kidney to just pack in right now and die?" she snarled, shoving the glass into his hand. "I asked you a question!" she barked.

Luke snapped his head up, and Lucinda couldn't help but take a step back when she saw the look upon his face. "Yes!" he yelled back. "I want to die! I don't want to live in this godforsaken place anymore! I don't want the memories! I want it all to stop! I want it to stop!" His head fell down again and he was sobbing hard again. Lucinda looked on in utter shock. "He left me! How dare he leave me! How dare he!"

"Oh, _darling_!" Lucinda sighed, finally recovering enough so that she could sit back down and draw him into a hug. "Your young man...Reid... He wouldn't have wanted to leave you. And he wouldn't want you to be like this: so full of – of hate, and despair! He'd want you to be happy, surely!" Luke stiffened suddenly and sat up, eyes wide.

"R-Reid..." He stumbled as he got up and started to back away, hands going up to cover his mouth.

"Luke?" Lucinda also stood. "Luke, what-"

He was banging his head hard against the brick wall. He could feel the pain of each blow, he could hear the crack of each collision and the yelp that escaped his throat as a result. But it was as if he was possessed. He couldn't stop. The metallic taste of blood covered his tongue before his grandmother was able to pull him away, and he collapsed in a bloody heap on the floor, crying and making gurgling noises as he tried not to vomit. He didn't hear Lucinda dial a number and call an ambulance and someone else for help.

"You need to come quick – Luke needs you."

Holden could never have prepared himself for what he found behind the closed door of his son's office. The loud gasp that left him caused Luke to lift his bloodied head to look up at the older man.

"Your wish is your command, Daddyo," he slurred, saluting sarcastically before passing out. Holden found himself fighting against tears and rising bile as the paramedics rushed past him. He looked at Lucinda stood talking to one of the paramedics, telling them all she knew about her grandson's state. He rushed out of the room to a bathroom and vomited in one of the cubicles. He found tears were coursing down his face and he quickly went to wash his face.

"Who did this to him?" he asked Lucinda as soon as he entered the office again. "Tell me or so help me God, I'm-"

"Luke did."

"What?"

"Luke did it to himself. I saw. He..."

Holden ran his hands down his face as he took a deep breath. "I can't believe this. What's caused him to...? It's all my fault."

"What gives you that idea?"

"I've been so busy trying to make things right with Lily, I haven't been there for Luke. I should've invited him to move back into the farm, or taken him to a Cubs game, or...just _been _there!"

"We all failed him," Lucinda sighed. "We just don't understand."


	9. Chapter 9

**I nearly let you guys down! So sorry! Thank GOD it's still Sunday!**

**Before you read the next chapter, I just want to thank everyone for the great reviews I've been receiving. I know that one person in particular really touched my heart with their comment about how they have been through the heartache of losing a soulmate, and can therefore relate to this fanfiction. I want that person to know that although I haven't lost a partner and therefore do not know what they are going through, I'm here for them, as I am sure are plenty of others. And I want them to stay strong.**

**Anyway, here's Chapter Nine.**

_Four months later_

"What do you think?"

"I think it looks great."

"Do you think it's too small?"

"What, the banner?"

"Or is it too much?"

"It's fine."

"I hope he likes it. Do you think he'll be surprised?"

Holden placed a hand on Lily's shoulder for reassurance. "I know he will be."

"Hellooo!" a voice called out before Lucinda was hurrying into the house. "Wow!" she laughed. "Wow, this is...this is great! Do you think maybe it's a little too small?"

"Oh my God, it's too small!" Lily sighed as Holden chuckled. "Well I guess I'd better get some more decorations, hadn't I? Mother, can you help me please?"

"Why- Why yes! Of course! Let's run like a bat out of hell before he comes!"

Holden couldn't help but laugh at the eagerness that Lucinda possessed as she tugged Lily out the door with her. As the door shut behind them he looked back at the large banner that hung from the ceiling and the balloons that floated around the room. He was pretty sure that the last thing Luke would want was a big welcome home, but he was sure that there was no way in which he could compete with the stubborn streak of the Walshes. Besides, it was probably better for Lily to keep busy. She was so nervous about their son's return; she hadn't been sleeping well, fearing what he'd be like when he got home. Would he resent them? Holden couldn't help but feel the same churning in his stomach as his ex wife was most probably feeling. Sending Luke to rehab had been the hardest thing for them to do, but necessary. The boy had reached rock bottom, and Holden and Lucinda had decided that day in the office that he needed professional help, help that Holden and the rest of the family couldn't provide, before he drank himself to death. But what if there had been a better way to handle it? What if he did begrudge them?

He was brought out of his worried thoughts when he noticed the silhouette through the blinds of the door. He waited patiently for the figure to ring the doorbell or knock, but they just stood there, seemingly shifting from foot to foot. The first person who came to mind was Luke, but his flight wasn't due to arrive at the airport for another hour or so. Deciding he couldn't just stand there, Holden walked across the room to open the door. On the porch stood a tall young man with dark hair that had started to curl at the ends. The blue eyes that blinked back tears were wide with nerves, and his lips seemed to fidget as he tried to figure out what to say.

"Noah," Holden smiled.

"Hi, Holden." His voice sounded calm but his shaky smile told Holden otherwise. "I'm sorry to drop in unannounced. It was really just a spur of the moment-"

"Noah-"

"-sort of-"

"Noah-"

"-thing..."

"Noah, it's fine," Holden smiled. "Come in." He watched Noah awkwardly shuffle into the house, wringing his hands as he looked around at the decorations. "Where's your stuff?" he asked.

"In the rental car," Noah explained. "I've booked a room at the Lakeview; I just need to check in but I thought I'd come say hello first." He studied the banner. "Is Luke home yet?"

"Ah, no...no...not yet." He studied the troubled man in front of him, watching the way he would put his hands in his pockets then pull them out to pick at his nails before shoving his hands in his pockets again. "He's...ah...he went to-"

"Rehab," Noah finished for him. "Faith told me," he explained at the look of bewilderment on the older man's face. "I would've come earlier, but I've been so busy what with my film, and then we had to redo three of the scenes because-"

"Noah, it's fine. I understand." Blue eyes locked onto blue, and the two men smiled at each other – one encouragingly, the other encouraged. "So, you're movie. Is it done now?"

"No, not yet," Noah chuckled. "It'll probably take us about another month or two before we get onto editing the footage. It's such hard work!"

"But you enjoy it, right?"

"Holden, it's been my dream since...ever since I can remember! I love it."

"But...?"

Noah hesitated before opening his mouth to speak, but the sound of the doorbell interrupted them. "Lily must have left her key in a hurry..." Holden explained, walking over to the door again. But he wasn't met with the flushed faces of Lily and Lucinda. Instead the sheepish grin and dimples that stood before him belonged to...

"Luke." The air had suddenly become thick with tension, and Holden suddenly felt awkward standing there.

"Hey, Dad," Luke smiled, dropping his suitcase so that he could be pulled into one of Holden's bear hugs. He closed his eyes as the warm greeting from his father enveloped him, breathing in the scent of family. Home. Gosh he'd missed it so much.

Holden felt as Luke suddenly stiffened in his arms before pulling back so that the older man could see that his son's eyes were firmly set on the deep blue eyes of his ex. "Noah?"

Noah couldn't stop the shy lopsided smile that graced his features. "Hey Luke," he said.


	10. Chapter 10

"I'll give you two some space..." Holden murmured as he opened the door to go and find Lily and Lucinda. The tension in the air had been too heavy for him to handle, and he knew that the best thing for the two boys to do was talk in private.

Luke set his duffle bag down and crossed his arms, curving his back so that he leaned back slightly. He studied Noah scrutinizingly, watching as his adam's apple bobbed with each nervous swallow. "Why are you here, Noah?" He hadn't meant for it to come out as harshly as it seemed to have, but he made sure not to flinch or show any form of weakness to his former boyfriend.

"I...er... I was just visiting." Noah stumbled over his words. "I was in Illinois and thought-"

"You're lying."

"What?" Luke glared at him, causing Noah to sag his shoulders in defeat. "Faith called me," he admitted.

Luke sighed in exasperation. "She just can't stop interferring," he chuckled wryly.

"She's worried about you," Noah stated in her defence. "Everyone's worried about you: your family, friends..."

"Psh, yeah right!" Luke snarled. "That's why Casey and Alison are still in Carbondale, Maddie hasn't even called since she went back to Wesleyan, I haven't seen Katie since Reid..." He couldn't. "Just... Why did you come back? I'm not ready."

"I'm sorry," Noah sighed. "I shouldn't have come. It's just... When Faith told me last week you'd been drinking again and were currently in rehab... I was going to just just stay put – I figured the last thing needed was me returning. But last night I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I figured that I could at least see how your family were holding up if I didn't get the chance to see you." He took a couple of steps towards Luke, tentatively putting a hand on the blond man's shoulder. "How are you bearing up?" he asked.

Luke looked up into the blue eyes that watched him with concern. "Honestly," he said with a shrug, "I'm not. I mean, I feel much better than before – much better. But I had people helping me in rehab – professionals. Now I'm out, and I don't know how I'm supposed to cope on my own."

"Luke, you're not on your own," Noah soothed. Soon Luke found himself in Noah's arms, clinging on as though his life depended on it. He squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to keep the tears away, inhaling deeply through his nose and exhaling through his mouth just as heavily. The warm scent of Noah appeased his nostrils, and he felt somewhat secure in the embrace. "Luke," Noah whispered. "Come to LA with me."

Luke suddenly flinched away as though scalded by the words. "I can't believe you," he began to yell. "I just get out of rehab and you think that means we can just pick up from where we left off?"

"Luke-"

"I know you don't like it, Noah, and you may still find it hard to understand, but I loved Reid. I was _in love _with Reid. And the fact that he's gone...that he's not coming back..."

"Luke. Luke." Noah placed his hands on Luke's shoulders, forcing him to face him. "I get it," he said. "I get it. And I...I accept it." He swallowed hard. "What I'd meant about coming to LA with me was that it might give you some time to get used to life on the outside without the added pressures of work. You need to take it easy; you can't just jump in the deep end."

"But the neurology wing-"

"Is under construction now. There's nothing else you can do except keep your phone beside you in case they have any queries."

Luke frowned. "How did you know that?"

"It's been local news," Noah explained.

"In LA?"

"No, no, in Oakdale. I kept searching on Google to check the progress of the wing. Reports are confident that it is going to be the best facility in the country – just like you wanted." Noah only just noticed the small smile that momentarily crossed Luke's lips. "What?"

"Mission accomplished," Luke whispered.

"I understand if you're not comfortable staying with me for a couple of weeks; it was just a suggestion."

"No." Luke took a step closer to Noah so that he had to tilt his head to look up at him. "No, it's fine. I'll come with you."

"You will?"

"You're right, Noah. I need to take it easy – therapist's orders." He gave a little shrug followed by a little lopsided grin. "Besides, I promised you we would go get hot dogs on la Brea."

"Yeah," Noah chuckled. "You did. I actually forgot about that." They stood silent for what may have been less than a minute, awkwardly smiling at one another, yet it felt like several. Luke didn't know what to say or do. What _were_ you supposed to say or do when you are going to spend a few weeks in LA with your ex boyfriend whom you haven't seen in over six months?

"So, um... How long are you staying in Oakdale for?" Luke asked eventually, breaking eye contact as well as the silence that had held them.

"I was only going to stick around til the end of the week," Noah said. "But you don't have to come. I – I mean you don't have to get the plane with me – you could get a later flight, at a later date, so you can spend some time with your family first."

"No," Luke insisted. "I'll come with you. I'll only find myself being drawn to going back to work – it's been my leverage since Reid died." There was another awkward silence. "I'm sorry," Luke said quickly. "I shouldn't keep bringing him up – it's not fair."

"Luke, it's fine. I told you – I get it." He paused as he studied Luke properly. He noticed that the blond hair had been left to grow long enough to reach under his chin, probably to try to hide the weight that had been lost in his face and the dark circles under his eyes. His cheekbones were more protrudent, and the v-neck of the shirt he wore only proved to cause more concern for Noah – the collar bones jutted out unnaturally, and there seemed to be a significant loss in muscle in Luke's arms. "You haven't been eating properly," he stated.

"Is that your way of telling me I look dreadful?" Luke joked.

"Actually, yeah, it is. I think we need to talk. Tell me how you've been."

"You know how I've been."

"I've only heard from Faith, and although she means well...she hasn't really helped you much." He brought a finger under Luke's chin to lift his downcast gaze to his own. "Talk to me. I can handle it."

Luke sighed before gesturing for Noah to sit down.


	11. Chapter 11

**SO sorry guys - I've been doing my expedition for my Duke of Edinburgh Silver Award this weekend, and I've just woken up from my well deserved extended nap. Well, it's still Sunday (thank God!) so I've still JUST about kept my word to you guys. Without further ado...**

Noah sat at a table outside the coffee shop overlooking the beach. He was supposed to be editing his movie - hence the laptop in front of him - but he found himself mesmerised by a certain blond in the waves. Luke emerged from the water, his head tilted back as he pushed his bangs out of his eyes with both hands. He had tanned quickly during the two weeks spent in LA, giving him that surfer boy look. Although he was still looking a bit on the skinny side, he had started to gain a healthy amount of weight, building muscle gradually.

The man made his way out of the sea, running over to sit with Noah. It was impossible to stop staring at him; he was gorgeous, his grin infectious. Noah's heart seemed to be doing somersaults as Luke's chest rose and fell in time with his heavy breathing, his eyes unable to stop staring as water droplets slid down the bare chest and stomach. He hated being unable to touch Luke – it was killing him.

"I love it here!" Luke laughed, throwing his head back as he took the sun's rays. Droplets stroked the length of his neck, gathering at the crook between his neck and shoulder before continuing the journey down that beautiful body. "I can't remember ever feeling this relaxed. How's the editing going?"

"Huh?" Noah jolted slightly as his mind registered the questioning tone.

"The editing. Your movie."

"Oh. Editing. Movie. Right."

"How is it going?"

"Oh, uh, good. Good."

Luke smirked. "You haven't even started, have you?"

"No, not really."

"Noah! Where's your mind at right now? You need to get this done!" Yeah Noah, where _is _your mind at? "Tell you what, how about we just go back to your place? You might be able to concentrate then. Besides, I've got some writing to do."

"Have I told you how glad I am that you're writing again?"

Luke chuckled. "Only every time you see me writing, which is probably at least twice a day."

Noah laughed; it was a sound that Luke had heard a lot these past two weeks. It was nice to hear it after such a long time of Noah snapping at him, and the pair making the odd awkward conversation...not to mention the way they had left things after Reid had died. Gosh how Luke wished he could have one more moment with that man. At night he would find himself squirming in bed as his thoughts lingered around the fact that he was staying with his ex boyfriend while he was supposed to be mourning the death of his current. And that last kiss with Noah – he'd torn himself up about it for weeks. But how could he stop it from happening? It would have ruined their goodbye – it would have hurt them both even more.

It comforted him, somewhat, that he had felt nothing but numbness and discomfiture when Noah had kissed him, though the part of him that would always love the tall man quietly screamed the question of why. It was obvious why – the circumstances. It wouldn't have been right. It proved to Luke that he really had been in love with Reid, even if the six months of torture after the doctor's death didn't count for anything.

"Luke?"

Luke blinked a few times as he tried to clear his mind of gloom and slap a smile back on his face, but Noah's heart had already sunk. He wasn't thinking about his feelings for him, merely the loss of Reid instead. It hurt so much to have seen so much unwanted truth in those brown eyes before the mask came up. Maybe Luke and Reid had had more in common than he thought – Reid had a cold, expressionless mask whereas Luke had a smiley, everything-is-alright mask. And the people who they loved were the only ones able to make that mask slip.

"You okay?"

"'Course I am."

Since Luke was a person who loved and trusted almost anyone, that mask had almost always been around his neck, except for when someone else was hurting – then it was all about them. He found it pretty much impossible to not feel bad for causing Luke to feel the need to hold it firmer to his face nowadays.

Luke knew that look. Even after six months of not seeing one another he could see through Noah like a glass window. The pain was visible in the blue eyes as understanding dawned on him, and he realised then that they really needed to do the inevitable: talk.

"We need to talk."

"I know."

It was still so painful for them both – so raw despite the fact that half a year had passed – and neither one knew how to start. Luke licked his lips nervously as he stumbled on his beginning sentence. He ended up just going for the only way he seemed to know how to start a serious conversation with Noah:

"I'm sorry."

Noah's eyebrows raised in surprise. He had been expecting something about how he had really hurt him and that it just happened with Reid and that although he would always love Noah, he was _in _love with Reid, even if he was dead. He had not been awaiting as heartfelt an apology as he had just received. "What do you mean?" he eventually found the voice to ask. "You have nothing to be sorry about. I told you, I get it. And the accident...the accident was just that – it wasn't your fault."

Luke shook his head. "No, no, I mean I'm sorry for how I was during your recovery," he tried to explain.

"You were trying to help. I should've just let you."

"But I get it now, Noah. I get it. When I was mourning..." He didn't amend or say the name – Noah understood what he meant. "...everyone wanted to help me through it. Mom and Faith wanted me to sort things out with you. Katie kept on calling and calling to the point that I changed my number for work and could keep my personal cell phone switched off. Everyone just kept looking at me with such pity and...they just didn't understand that I just wanted to..." He shrugged. "I'm not saying it's the same as being blind and wanting to be independent," he quickly tried to explain, "but I understand how I was maybe a little overbearing. Because that's how everyone was to me. Although they had the best intentions, it wasn't helping. And it was the same for you. So I'm sorry. I get it now."

Noah nodded in appreciation. "I could've handled it better though," he piped up.

"I'm not saying you couldn't – the way you went about things sucked!" Noah nodded again. "Since you had told me you wanted independence and then you moved in with Alison, I thought you were trying to wash your hands of me. And then the whole Richard fiasco – were you just trying to get rid of me?"

"Doctor Oliver – Reid – told me that he didn't want you anywhere near him."

"But that was only around _him_. I could still be around you, just not at the hospital." Luke breathed in before asking the next question. "Were you trying to punish me? Get me away from you while you still blamed me for the loss of your sight?"

Noah shook his head pathetically as he got up to walk away. "I've got to get on with the editing –"

"No running away, Noah." He turned to look into the defiant brown eyes. "Not this time."

He sat back down and took a deep breath. "Yes," he murmured. "I didn't really want to give you the time of day back then. I found it so easy to blame you for everything, and that blame made me resent you – sometimes even despise you." The frustration from back then came flooding back. "It had been as though you didn't trust me with the whole Mason thing, so you decided to get Damien involved."

"It wasn't like that –"

"But that's how it seems, Luke! So what if Mason said he wasn't going to lay low. You should've given me enough credit to handle things my own way! But you had to play the jealous boyfriend, get Damien to go to the Dean, and ruin things. Just like you did that New Year's Eve because you were jealous about me and Maddie." Noah stopped when he noticed that the pained brown eyes were glassy from unshed tears. "Luke..."

"You still don't forgive me, do you," he whispered as a tear found its way down his cheek. "After all this time, you still blame me."


	12. Chapter 12

**Okay, here's the next chapter. Do you guys want Luke and Noah to get back together, or do you want them both to go their separate ways? I'm counting on you guys to tell me.**

**I'm going to university today, so I don't know if I'll manage another chapter for next week, but I promise I will try my damnedest to do so.**

**Hokay, here goes...**

"I don't still blame you," Noah said. "I just find it hard to understand why you were feeling so insecure all the time."

Luke let out a dry laugh. "Seriously?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Noah, the amount of time you spent pushing me away throughout the two – nearly three – years we spent together, quite frankly it's no wonder I was feeling so insecure all the time. Whenever the going got tough you would want a break from us because you couldn't deal with it, or you felt it was my fault, or whatever, and it was as though whenever we took a step forward in our relationship I had to be ready to later take two steps back." Luke tried to shrug off the bad feeling in his gut, deciding right now, the truth was necessary, no matter how much it hurt. They needed to put all cards on the table. "Looking back, I don't even recognise that person I was," he confessed. "It wasn't me. And as much as you probably hate to hear this, Reid not only showed me what it should feel like to be in a serious relationship; he also helped me find myself again."

The pain in Noah's eyes was agonizing. "So you're saying... What are you saying? That you weren't happy with me?"

"No," Luke sighed. "No, what I'm trying to say is – is when things were going well, I was so happy – _we _were _so _happy. But then Ameera came, and okay, we agreed that you marrying her was the ideal way to help her, and okay I was maybe feeling a little insecure seeing as we had only just got on track and she was making it clear she really liked you. But then...when your dad allegedly drowned... If it had been the other way around – if it had been me and Damien instead of you and your dad, and you were in the position I had been in, what would you have done?"

Noah nodded in defeat. "I would've probably done exactly the same thing," he said. "I can't bear the thoughts of you being hurt, or worse."

Luke nodded. "Same here. And then you wanted a break from us, just like that. I felt like I was in limbo, unsure where I stood with you. It sucked. And then we get back together at Cyndi Lauper's gig, only for you to tell me five minutes later you've decided to join the Army. What the hell, Noah?"

"I know, I know, that was a lousy decision..."

"Even now I don't really get it."

"I understand everything you're saying, Luke," Noah sighed. "I understand it all now: Brian...Reid... But the accident –"

"I wanted to help you – you blamed me."

"I know, I know," Noah said quickly, putting a hand on Luke's shoulder. "I understand that. But do you understand how...suffocated I felt with you and your family fussing around me all the time?"

"So me helping you was suffocating?" Noah cringed as he remembered how easily Luke could feel offended.

"Let me put it another way," Noah tried to amend. "If I hadn't been going to LA – if I was still staying in Oakdale, would you have wanted me to be around you all the time while you mourned Reid, or would you have wanted some space?" Noah could see it dawn on Luke what he was saying. "You pushed everyone away when Reid died, didn't you. Just like I did when I was blind."

Luke's face was crestfallen. "I am so sorry, Noah," he gasped. "I didn't even think of it like that. I just desperately wanted to make it up to you." He suddenly gave a slight chuckle. "Gosh, we were useless, weren't we!"

They both fell apart laughing until tears were streaming down their faces, every so often trying to recall events before collapsing into fits of giggles again. Luke clutched his sides and tried to take deep breaths in an attempt to calm down.

"It's been a long time, Luke."

"Yeah. Yes it has." He couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed with Noah like this, but it felt so good to be smiling again. It had been such a long and dark six months.

He'd been grinning at Noah for what must have been long enough to have been an invitation because the next thing he understood was that he was looking at Noah's closed eyes so near to his face, and he was feeling familiar lips upon his. He froze. Suddenly the smile and warmth he'd had was gone, replaced instead by a cold expression on another's face.

The look on Noah's face when he withdrew was one of crushed dreams, but Luke couldn't even begin to comprehend that. He felt sick with guilt all over again. He kept his head down, eyes darting around the carpet uncomfortably.

"I...ah..." Noah struggled. "I'm sorry. Maybe I should go for a jog."

"Yeah. I think that's maybe a good idea." He was suddenly fixated by one of the legs of the coffee table.

The sobs came as soon as the door clicked shut. He rushed to the bathroom and repeatedly splashed water in his face, maybe trying to wash away what had just happened. He was gasping as he stared himself down in the mirror, taking in the watery brown eyes and the pale cheeks. Why did Noah have to ruin things between them again? Or was it his fault?

Either way the kiss had happened, and now Luke couldn't help but feel like he had betrayed Reid. During their short time together, Luke had caused Reid to clam up numerous times by bringing up the 'N' word, so he could only imagine how hurt he would be if he were alive to witness what had just happened.

_"But I'm not alive," _he could imagine Reid telling him. _"I'm dead – get a grip."_

He chuckled wryly. Yeah, Reid would say something like that.

The air dragged its fingers through his hair and his feet pounded the sidewalk at a steady rhythm, over and over, like a mantra. But it was no use. He felt terrible. Why did he always have to screw things up?

He turned tail and ran home. He had to apologise, explain himself to Luke.

Opening the door the last thing he expected was Luke sitting on the couch smiling at him. "Erm... Are you... Are you?"

"I'm okay," Luke continued to smile. "It's fine. I understand why you did it, and it's fine, really." Noah let out a sigh of both relief and amazement. Relief because Luke had taken it so well and amazement at the fact that he _did_ take it so well. Luke had matured; Reid had helped him become a man. "But..." Noah should've known there was going to be a 'but' somewhere. "...I'm still not ready for a relationship – with anybody. I know, I know," Luke added quickly when he noted Noah shifting from foot to foot, "I wasn't with Reid long, but-"

"You don't need to explain yourself to me, Luke. You have a big heart; you can love so easily." He sucked in a deep breath – he needed to ask. "So...ah...what does this mean for us?" He needed a straight answer; he needed to know where he stood in all of this.

Luke seemed to sense this because he replied, "Right now, I want us to stay friends... If that's okay with you." Noah nodded. "And then maybe one day I'll decide to come back and live with you permanently in LA." Luke's heart melted at the hopeful look on his ex's face. "I'm not promising anything though, Noah. I can't promise you anything. If you want to back out now, that's okay – I understand. But right now, I just can't..."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"I'm in."


	13. Chapter 13

**I am so sorry! I have been extremely busy with uni, and when I haven't been I have been grabbing a quick snack or catching as much sleep as I possibly can. I've been a bit like Reid I guess! Freshers Fortnight is over after today though, so I should be able to fit this in with my lectures and society groups this week. I need to draw up a timetable methinks.**

**Not only am I studying Aerospace Engineering - a subject with the most ridiculous amount of hours' worth of lectures - but I am also doing a writing course to guide me in becoming a published writer. Consider it to be my part time job. So hopefully I will be making money from that soon. Anyway, I am hoping to finish chapter 14 for you guys by the end of today (Sunday) to make up for the lack of writing last week.**

**Anyway, here's Chapter 13:**

He wasn't quite sure how it happened. Looking around, a part of him silently pleaded that it hadn't, but the stinging pain and the musky smell only helped to confirm that it had in fact happened. Not to mention the fact that the warm body next to his was as naked as his own. An arm was slung limply across his middle, the sheets were strewn and his stomach was still sticky. A wave of guilt suddenly rushed over him and he had to jump out of bed, only just making it to the trash can in the corner of the room. The other body awoke with a jolt at the sudden movements and sat up. He could almost feel the confused frown burning into his back as he hunched over the small bin. He continued to cough up the contents of his stomach, shivering feverishly, trying with all his might to keep the sobs at bay.

"Luke?"

Oh how he was beginning to hate his own name. It was like a curse whenever someone said it; he would have to turn and look at the person who uttered that syllable and see the pain on their face – pain that he had caused.

"Luke."

The other body was crouched beside him now, a hand rubbing circles into the small of his back. He felt sick. He _was _sick. How could he do such a thing to-

He didn't even have the right to speak his name anymore.

"Luke, look at me."

_No. Go away. It's wrong. It's so very-_

"Look at me, Luke."

"Please," he barely whispered. "I can't..."

_"You can't what? You can't what, Luke?"_ A mistake...

"Look. At. Me."

His eyes looked up into concerned blue eyes and he crumbled as his brain noted how they were clearly blue – not a mysterious colour that could appear blue or brown or even green. The hair was dark instead of light, and the person was Noah instead of Reid.

"I'm fine," he said suddenly, straightening up. "I'm just going to go for a shower."

"Luke-"

"No!" He slammed the bathroom door shut behind him, locking it and resting his head against its cold surface.

_He was unpacking his stuff into his new apartment. After deciding to study Journalism at Antioch University – much to Faith's delight – he had been busy tying up loose ends in Oakdale, starting with getting rid of Grimaldi Shipping. He contacted Damien through a lawyer, requesting he sign the forms which would give him permission to be relieved of his responsibilities concerning the business. He could imagine his biological father would be disappointed, but he didn't care. He needed to be rid of it; it wasn't what he wanted._

_The Foundation was doing well – very well in fact. Since completing and opening the neurology wing at Memorial, sponsors had been coming in their dozens with Luke even having to travel to England for a conference meeting and promotional dinner party. He had left the headquarters in the very trustworthy hands of his mother, agreeing to catch a plane back to Oakdale whenever he had the chance – his studies would come before everything else._

_Naturally the second person he called when he arrived in LA was Noah since he was the only person he knew there. As soon as he had disconnected the call to his parents he had been overwhelmed by a particularly lonely thought: "I'm all on my own"._

_Noah helped him with the rest of his unpacking, keeping him company by filling the silence. Neither one dared bring up the subject of Reid, but they didn't need to either. They had reached an understanding, finally. Luke asked Noah to stay. Noah agreed to._

_They were arguing about which movie to watch next when it happened. Somehow the pair had gone from casually sitting at opposite ends of the couch to being snuggled together, wrapped in one another's embrace as they had watched film after film in silence. Now Noah had spied a classical film on one channel whereas Luke fancied an action film on another, and they were fighting over the remote._

_"Come on! You chose the last movie!"_

_"If you think I am going to put myself through another one of those black and white movies, you are out of your mind, Mayer!"_

_They tugged at the remote for a few seconds more, and then suddenly Noah's strength brought Luke along with the remote. Luke's body collided with Noah's chest, their lips merely a few inches away from touching. Their breaths mingled together and then suddenly someone had surged forward and mouths engulfed. The kiss was rich with hunger and lust and so many emotions that neither of them had wanted to express to the other, mainly because they were scared of how the other would take it. Neither one knew how they had moved to the bedroom; Luke and Noah weren't around – only their want and desire existed..._

He scrubbed his skin red raw under the unbearably hot spray of water. The steam made him feel dizzy and soon he was sat on the floor of the shower, curled up in a tight ball, sobbing and silently begging for forgiveness.

_Oh Reid. Why did you have to leave me so messed up?_

"Luke? Are you okay in there?" He had been in there for what was now getting close to an hour. He had started to bleed from his vigorous scrubbing, but still he seemed to smell Noah's distinctive scent upon him through the vapour and he continued to scrub. He didn't know how much longer he had spent scrubbing – watching fascinated as more and more blood appeared underneath his shower brush – before strong hands were restraining him and a dampened shirt had found its way underneath his left cheek. He didn't fight it, just bunched some of the shirt into his fist and stared at the tiled wall, jaw clenched as Noah rocked him.

"I'm sorry. I am so sorry. You wanted to take it slow."

_Oh Reid. Please forgive me._


	14. Chapter 14

**As promised, Chapter Fourteen.**

**I just want to thank a particular person who has been of great encouragement throughout this fanfic. Their reviews have never failed to touch my heart and soul. RLeternal, I hope one day you can find the ability to love again, just like Luke. I know there is a huge difference between writing/reading about moving on and actually being able to do it, and it is heartening to know that despite your tragic loss you've been able to reach your full potential instead of laying low and hurting. But the chance will arise for you to love again - if it hasn't already - and you must grab it with both hands. I know I'm only 18 and don't really know about love, but I hope you can understand what I'm so desperately trying to tell you. I wish for happiness for you.**

They had pretended it never happened for about two weeks before Luke brought it up. Noah was both relieved and nervous that the inevitable had finally come about: relieved because he was worried about Luke bottling up what he was really feeling about the incident, and nervous because he didn't know what lay ahead for them – if there even was going to be a 'them'.

They sat opposite one another at the small dining table in the corner of the kitchen in silence, Luke paying careful attention to his fidgeting fingers while Noah concentrated on a small area of the table. It felt like hours passed by with them sitting like this, but neither one rushed the other to start the conversation. It would happen – with time.

"It should never have happened," Luke said finally, firmly. It was like a spear through Noah despite the fact that he agreed with this statement. Maybe it was the tone in Luke's voice – it was almost accusing.

"Luke, I never meant for it to happen. You have to believe me. Neither of us meant for it to happen."

Luke's face softened as soon as the words started to fall from Noah's lips and for the first time since that night he looked directly into the deep blue eyes of the other man. "I know, I know," he whispered. "But it did, and we can't do anything about it now. I just..." He tried to fathom out what he wanted to say, but in the end Noah helped him out.

"You don't want this to mean that we're back together?"

"No. Well, yeah. I just can't. It was a mistake and..." He stopped. He never thought he'd call a moment as precious as love making a mistake. But then again maybe it wasn't love making. It was just sex; sex with a man that he loved while he mourned the loss of another man whom he also loved...if that made any sense in his head. Gosh, things were so messed up. _He_ was so messed up.

Noah seemed to sense the confusing battle going on in his mind because the next thing Luke knew was a hand on his own, and eyes that were filled the understanding that he required at that moment. He was soon clinging onto Noah for comfort, comfort that Noah was willingly ready to give him.

"I don't know anything anymore," he sighed. "When did life become so complicated?"

Noah chuckled at that. "Luke, we lived in Oakdale. When was life _not_ complicated?"

That night Luke sat on the beach alone, looking out to the sea for...he didn't know. Inspiration? Answers. He wanted answers. The wind whipped around him, playing with his bangs as he closed his eyes and breathed in the salty scent that lingered around his nostrils. He needed time to think. He needed space to think.

He chuckled slightly as he remembered how less than 48 hours before 'the incident' he had psyched himself that Reid would want him to move on, and he was deciding to take things slow with Noah – whether they just stayed friends or wanted something more could be decided later. Now he had slept with Noah and was feeling guilty for Reid again.

He had tried writing it all down but hadn't found the right words. The trash can in his apartment was overflowing with scrunched up pieces of paper – discarded words that just weren't right. He got up now and walked towards the sea, staring with wonder as frothy white lips engulfed his feet. He walked further and further in until he was completely submerged. There was no sound or feeling except for a cool, refreshing sensation that spread through his body. He kept his eyes closed and allowed his body to relax. It felt so good. There was nothing to worry him here, nothing to hurt him, nothing to stop this contentment he craved.

He went back to his apartment knowing what he wanted. He wanted Noah.


End file.
